5 posts tagged “friends”

Identifying the Potential for Great Friendships

After my first post, a friend commented to me: “I'd be very interested to hear your process of developing those friendships, from how you identify the potential for a great friendship to how you build it”.  For this post, I’ll focus on the second thing she mentioned – identifying the potential for a great friendship.

While it’s certainly not formulaic, I do believe I’ve seen patterns in my life of the kinds of ways I have initially connected with those who became close friends, and the ‘ingredients’ that needed to exist before becoming close friends was a possibility.  Before I move on I should probably mention that I’m aware that what I view as a close/successful friendship is highly colored by how I perceive love from others.  If you haven’t ever checked out the book “The Five Love Languages” – I’d recommend it.  In short, the author has identified what he believes to be 5 primary ways we communicate and receive love: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.  “Quality Time” definitely ranks as my highest, so my observations on friendships are going to heavily reflect that.  However, any of those ‘love languages’ require time interacting, so hopefully anything I have to offer will be helpful no matter what language you speak.

Respect
Respect covers a lot of ground.  A great example of respect in the small things:  You’re in a conversation with your friend, and you get interrupted (could be for any reason).  After the interruption, your friend turns back to you and says “So, you were saying something about <insert last topic discussed>…”  That says that they were listening and want to hear more.  I consider that type of respect foundational to any real friendship.  My wife and I had some friends to whom we would have loved to have been closer, but consistently we would get into deep discussion and their kids would (as kids tend to do) interrupt us just as one of us was really pouring our hearts out.  After the interruption passed, there was never a “So you were saying …?” moment – in fact, they usually took the opportunity to change the subject to something as trivial as the weather or some new item they’d just purchased.  As friendships grow – especially with men – respect also grows to include knowing when to & when not to confront.  It includes not using humor to ‘slam’ or belittle your friends in any way (especially to be funny in front of others).  It means doing everything you can to keep your word and commitments – and being willing to own it honestly when you don’t.  But when it comes to indentifying those relationships that have the potential for great friendship, if the person shows the simple respect of listening, and asking you to pick up where you left off, then there’s definitely potential.

Fluidity
One of the definitions of fluidity is “the ability of a substance to flow”.  I often use this term to describe the ability of friends to move seamlessly back and forth between humor and serious, heartfelt conversation.  I’m a passionate person with intense opinions, but I love to laugh.  If someone can never relax and simply laugh, you run the risk of becoming burned out.  If they always run to humor whenever serious conversation looms, I often see that as either 1.) they’re not interested in really talking or 2.) they’re not secure in having deep conversation.  However, when friends feel comfortable enough to let conversation simply wind its way through humor and intense thought, and all the stages in between, that – to me – is the most rewarding kind of interaction.  You might laugh, you might cry, but you always come away the better for it.  You feel warmly received and embraced, and you enjoy having given the same to someone else.

Depth
This dove-tails into the above point.  As I am indentifying the potential for close friendship, I definitely look for someone who is not afraid to discuss serious issues.  “Serious issues” is a large umbrella – it could be parenting, when does life begin, work, marriage, politics, faith – you name it.  It also includes discussing subjects on which you may disagree.  Overall, it means being willing to have honest discussion outside “safe” subjects like the weather, sports, traffic and TV.

Empathy
Empathy is defined as “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another”.  I almost called this point “Common Interests”, but I think that fails to describe it.  It’s not that I look for people who are necessarily interested in the same things I am.  Instead, I am looking for people who are simply interested in me and my life, since I am looking to be interested in them and their life.  Shared interests are definitely a great place to connect and start a friendship.  I can easily strike up conversations with fellow musicians, programmers, political pundits, ‘worldviewers’ and canoe-campers.  But “single interest” friendships are like a match and not the candle.  Empathy, on the other hand, means you’re interested in the other person because you want to relate and understand their experiences, even if it’s nothing like your life.  We all grow and change so much through the course of our lives, that it’s no wonder that life-long friendships require a firm basis in genuine empathy, rather than depend on interests that change and fade over time

Humility
This is perhaps the glue that holds everything else together.  All of us, no matter how well-intentioned and no matter how hard we try, will eventually let someone down.  After all, it's unrealistic to expect ourselves (or anyone else) to exhibit all these traits perfectly all the time!  Humility means you not only own your mistakes, but you seek your friends out to set things right.  Humility means you are teachable.  Close friends always have something to teach you – about their life, or their perspective on a situation, or a skill they possess.  If I sense that someone isn’t teachable, or if they are more interested in elevating themselves, then I definitely do not see potential for great friendship there.  You cannot give trust to someone who is conceited, self-absorbed, or who has an issue admitting that they don’t know something.

These qualities are only a handful of traits that readily lend themselves to deep and lasting friendships.  What do you think?  Have you run across traits you would add to this list in your own experience?

What do you think are the ideal qualities in close friendships?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and had a long and involved post all written in my mind, but forget all that.  What do you think makes a friendship timeless? What makes it transcendent of shared or not-so-shared interests?  What qualities have you found both in yourself and in your friends that you think have contributed to the "hitting it off" factor?

It's a subject I feel like I could one day write a book about.  Looking back over my life, I realize how blessed I have been to have had good friends at nearly every age.  Growing up, my rough-and-tumble friend was Michael.  Practically adopted brothers, we rode our bikes all over the neighborhood, explored every creek, nearly burnt down half the trees in his backyard, and we learned both how to throw and take punches.  At 14 - quite the awkward age for me - having just run away from home for a couple of days, going to a different high school than all my other friends, I was fortunate enough to connect with Frank, Keith, William, Tami, Alan and Alan (yep, two Alans!).  I had no idea how critical those friendships would be when, at the end of that year, my parents separated.  Not long after, I met Jaime who would soon become my step-brother.  High school turned to college, and I met Jon, Dawn & Micah (to name a few).  In the years to come I would meet Shawn, Kyle, Josh & my best friend and wife Stephanie.

I often wonder which friendships will remain timeless.  I am also constantly amazed at how resilient friendships can be (how many girls did we fight over, Alan?), and how quickly people can pleasantly surprise you (Jon, admit it, you wanted to punch me when we were on the road in St. Louis....I'm sure I deserved it.).

No two friendships are alike, of course.  But I think there are qualities that are common to all the successful frienships I've experienced.  I welcome your input on this list:

• Courage to be vulnerable, and the grace to allow others to feel safe in their vulnerability.
• Humility, and it's close companion, forgiveness.
• Willingness to let the other teach you about their life and experience, and equal willingness to teach them as well.  Many of my closest friends do not necessarily share my deepest passions, but they've never been afraid to ask and listen, and I get the privilege of learning from (and listening to) them as well - even if their passions aren't exactly mine.
• Shared moral values, and a commitment to stick to them.  Yes, this may sound quaint, but a common moral framework makes it possible to show respect, loyalty & love.  Without it, trust cannot exist, and everything boils down to pretense, manipulation and insecurity.
• Frequent communication.  (I might be biased here since "Time" is the primary way I perceive love according to the "Five Love Langauges" book....but I've never seen a relationship thrive that didn't include time interacting.)

So - what do you think?  What would you add or remove from my list?

Do you ever feel like you have to give your friends the diet version of yourself?  I'm a naturally intense person - and 99.999999% of the time I'm perfectly content and happy to be that way.  I am constantly in thought, whether I'm reading, driving, eating, sitting outside, sitting inside, putting my shoes on or gassing up the car.  The main issue seems to be the subjects upon which I dwell:  history, culture, politics, theology, philosophy, music, programming, education....  It is impossible for me to see those subjects as unrelated.  I often find myself trying to explain the cause and effect nature of those subjects (and typically along the lines of something happening in the real world) and then I sense the "eyes glazing over" effect with the person listening.  I get so excited about a particular book/subject/article/conversation/whatnot that I find myself "reeling me back in" since there is some default internal response of "C'mon Jim, they don't want to hear the unabridged version".  I completely get the need to be concise; to not overwhelm someone in conversation - and have worked a ton throughout my life to better my skills in that area.  But I gotta admit, the people with whom you can truly let your hair down...the ones that not only don't mind, but actually want to hear the 'unabridged version' of whatever is on your mind....those people are like that first breath you take when you come up from being underwater for almost too long.

Tell us the story behind one of the text messages or voicemails you have saved in your phone.

Ok - I can be selectively sentimental, but when I am, it's bad.  In 2006, Steph and I had a family of 5 live with us for about 5 months.  They were preparing to move overseas to live in Kenya as missionaries, and had sold their house, so they stayed with us.  I'd been a close friend of this family since 1998 - and had traveled to Africa with them 4 times.  They had 3 daughters at the time (now they have 4!), and it was the closest thing I'd ever felt to being a parent before actually being one.  Those girls snuck their way deep into my heart.  I was hopelessly smitten by all three of them (they were 6, 8 and 10 at the time).  The oldest - Kaitlyn - quickly became my 'sidekick' - we had a blast playing xbox together!  The middle one - Lillian - would snuggle up with me and Steph when our two families watched "Little House" episodes on DVD.  The youngest - Caeli - was a total sweetheart as well, and my one of my fondest memories is helping her learn to ride her bike.  We were both totally worn out afterwards, so she just wanted to sit with me and tell me about her day at school.  She has no idea how endearing that moment was.  Anyway - when they moved in September of 2006 I was happy for them, but heartbroken as well.  When I drove home from the airport (from seeing them off) and started cleaning up the room that the younger two girls stayed in, I cried my eyes out.  To this day I still miss them dearly and feel like they took a large piece of my heart with them to Nairobi.

There aren't too many familes that could share a home - 7 people (including two pregnant moms!) - and things go as well as they did.  It's a time I will never regret and always cherish. 

So what does this have to do with voicemail?? Their first Christmas in Nairobi, they called and left a message on my cell phone saying Merry Christmas - each one in turn said something on the phone.  I saved the message and listen to it every once in a while because I rarely get to hear their voices.  I will keep it as long as Verizon lets me!

If you guys are reading this - I miss you!

Steph and I had the chance to fly some very close friends of ours from LA to Nashville to spend the weekend with us.  What a blast!  Shawn was the best man at my wedding almost 8 years ago - and it's funny how my cool calm exterior still breaks down into total-guy-humor-hysterics when he and I are around each other.

We spent the weekend.....

• talking (insert nearly any subject here!  Life, friendship, art, music, "God, the Universe and Everything", our jobs, the Israeli/Palestinian conflict...you name it)
• eating (though Steph and I are on South Beach...so no fun desserts for me to tell about!) :(
• meeting up with more friends (and doing more talking and eating)
• walking around downtown Franklin, TN (you have to visit to know how absolutely cool and fun Franklin is).  The weather let up enough to make it a nice walking day Saturday....so we hit the Franklin Tea store (where I scored some spearmint leaves to make my own spearmint tea) and ate at Puckett's Grocery (again - GOT to visit to know how good it is!!!).
• playing xbox - yes, true guy bonding time.  It's amazing what kind of deep conversations can (seriously) happen between statements like "Throw the grenade NOW!" or "RUN!  There's too many of them!".  It's also amazing how many inflections and meanings the word "dude" has during xbox action.  It's like that beer commercial, but worse.
• playing Catan - our good friends Kyle and Kristy had us over and Val pulled the wool over our eyes big time. "Oh, I've never played Catan....I don't even know what I'm doing!"  Meanwhile she's kicking our collective butts.  After our devastating loss to Val, we chatted well past 1 AM....so it was time to round up our little guy and all drive home to get some shut eye....
• on Monday we finished off their visit with a cermonial trip to Cracker Barrell and then a jaunt downtown to see the incredible Nashville Library.  Oddly enough, I was flying out of town within an hour of Shawn and Val, so we had more time to hang at the airport.

This was Shawn and Val's first time to meet our son James, and I can't say enough of how proud I was of him!  He took to Shawn and Val quickly, jabberred to them all weekend (his favorite phrase?  "Dig dig dig dig dig dig dig"  I guess it's kinda like "dude"....it can mean something different at any given moment).  James was a total trooper - dealing with all the trips across town like a pro - making everyone laugh and smile.  It's truly a rewarding thing as a parent to see your child bring others so much laughter and joy.

As a side note....shortly after Shawn and Val boarded their flight to LA, I discovered that my travel company had booked a flight to Columbus....k, that's good....and when I got there, I was supposed to pick up my rental car in.....NASHVILLE.  Go figure.  Add to that the fact that my flight was delayed, and I had to call the rental company and ask them to wait for me since they were going to close before I got there.

That being said - what the heck am I still doing up???