4 posts tagged “relationships”

Identifying the Potential for Great Friendships

After my first post, a friend commented to me: “I'd be very interested to hear your process of developing those friendships, from how you identify the potential for a great friendship to how you build it”.  For this post, I’ll focus on the second thing she mentioned – identifying the potential for a great friendship.

While it’s certainly not formulaic, I do believe I’ve seen patterns in my life of the kinds of ways I have initially connected with those who became close friends, and the ‘ingredients’ that needed to exist before becoming close friends was a possibility.  Before I move on I should probably mention that I’m aware that what I view as a close/successful friendship is highly colored by how I perceive love from others.  If you haven’t ever checked out the book “The Five Love Languages” – I’d recommend it.  In short, the author has identified what he believes to be 5 primary ways we communicate and receive love: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.  “Quality Time” definitely ranks as my highest, so my observations on friendships are going to heavily reflect that.  However, any of those ‘love languages’ require time interacting, so hopefully anything I have to offer will be helpful no matter what language you speak.

Respect
Respect covers a lot of ground.  A great example of respect in the small things:  You’re in a conversation with your friend, and you get interrupted (could be for any reason).  After the interruption, your friend turns back to you and says “So, you were saying something about <insert last topic discussed>…”  That says that they were listening and want to hear more.  I consider that type of respect foundational to any real friendship.  My wife and I had some friends to whom we would have loved to have been closer, but consistently we would get into deep discussion and their kids would (as kids tend to do) interrupt us just as one of us was really pouring our hearts out.  After the interruption passed, there was never a “So you were saying …?” moment – in fact, they usually took the opportunity to change the subject to something as trivial as the weather or some new item they’d just purchased.  As friendships grow – especially with men – respect also grows to include knowing when to & when not to confront.  It includes not using humor to ‘slam’ or belittle your friends in any way (especially to be funny in front of others).  It means doing everything you can to keep your word and commitments – and being willing to own it honestly when you don’t.  But when it comes to indentifying those relationships that have the potential for great friendship, if the person shows the simple respect of listening, and asking you to pick up where you left off, then there’s definitely potential.

Fluidity
One of the definitions of fluidity is “the ability of a substance to flow”.  I often use this term to describe the ability of friends to move seamlessly back and forth between humor and serious, heartfelt conversation.  I’m a passionate person with intense opinions, but I love to laugh.  If someone can never relax and simply laugh, you run the risk of becoming burned out.  If they always run to humor whenever serious conversation looms, I often see that as either 1.) they’re not interested in really talking or 2.) they’re not secure in having deep conversation.  However, when friends feel comfortable enough to let conversation simply wind its way through humor and intense thought, and all the stages in between, that – to me – is the most rewarding kind of interaction.  You might laugh, you might cry, but you always come away the better for it.  You feel warmly received and embraced, and you enjoy having given the same to someone else.

Depth
This dove-tails into the above point.  As I am indentifying the potential for close friendship, I definitely look for someone who is not afraid to discuss serious issues.  “Serious issues” is a large umbrella – it could be parenting, when does life begin, work, marriage, politics, faith – you name it.  It also includes discussing subjects on which you may disagree.  Overall, it means being willing to have honest discussion outside “safe” subjects like the weather, sports, traffic and TV.

Empathy
Empathy is defined as “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another”.  I almost called this point “Common Interests”, but I think that fails to describe it.  It’s not that I look for people who are necessarily interested in the same things I am.  Instead, I am looking for people who are simply interested in me and my life, since I am looking to be interested in them and their life.  Shared interests are definitely a great place to connect and start a friendship.  I can easily strike up conversations with fellow musicians, programmers, political pundits, ‘worldviewers’ and canoe-campers.  But “single interest” friendships are like a match and not the candle.  Empathy, on the other hand, means you’re interested in the other person because you want to relate and understand their experiences, even if it’s nothing like your life.  We all grow and change so much through the course of our lives, that it’s no wonder that life-long friendships require a firm basis in genuine empathy, rather than depend on interests that change and fade over time

Humility
This is perhaps the glue that holds everything else together.  All of us, no matter how well-intentioned and no matter how hard we try, will eventually let someone down.  After all, it's unrealistic to expect ourselves (or anyone else) to exhibit all these traits perfectly all the time!  Humility means you not only own your mistakes, but you seek your friends out to set things right.  Humility means you are teachable.  Close friends always have something to teach you – about their life, or their perspective on a situation, or a skill they possess.  If I sense that someone isn’t teachable, or if they are more interested in elevating themselves, then I definitely do not see potential for great friendship there.  You cannot give trust to someone who is conceited, self-absorbed, or who has an issue admitting that they don’t know something.

These qualities are only a handful of traits that readily lend themselves to deep and lasting friendships.  What do you think?  Have you run across traits you would add to this list in your own experience?

What do you think are the ideal qualities in close friendships?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and had a long and involved post all written in my mind, but forget all that.  What do you think makes a friendship timeless? What makes it transcendent of shared or not-so-shared interests?  What qualities have you found both in yourself and in your friends that you think have contributed to the "hitting it off" factor?

It's a subject I feel like I could one day write a book about.  Looking back over my life, I realize how blessed I have been to have had good friends at nearly every age.  Growing up, my rough-and-tumble friend was Michael.  Practically adopted brothers, we rode our bikes all over the neighborhood, explored every creek, nearly burnt down half the trees in his backyard, and we learned both how to throw and take punches.  At 14 - quite the awkward age for me - having just run away from home for a couple of days, going to a different high school than all my other friends, I was fortunate enough to connect with Frank, Keith, William, Tami, Alan and Alan (yep, two Alans!).  I had no idea how critical those friendships would be when, at the end of that year, my parents separated.  Not long after, I met Jaime who would soon become my step-brother.  High school turned to college, and I met Jon, Dawn & Micah (to name a few).  In the years to come I would meet Shawn, Kyle, Josh & my best friend and wife Stephanie.

I often wonder which friendships will remain timeless.  I am also constantly amazed at how resilient friendships can be (how many girls did we fight over, Alan?), and how quickly people can pleasantly surprise you (Jon, admit it, you wanted to punch me when we were on the road in St. Louis....I'm sure I deserved it.).

No two friendships are alike, of course.  But I think there are qualities that are common to all the successful frienships I've experienced.  I welcome your input on this list:

• Courage to be vulnerable, and the grace to allow others to feel safe in their vulnerability.
• Humility, and it's close companion, forgiveness.
• Willingness to let the other teach you about their life and experience, and equal willingness to teach them as well.  Many of my closest friends do not necessarily share my deepest passions, but they've never been afraid to ask and listen, and I get the privilege of learning from (and listening to) them as well - even if their passions aren't exactly mine.
• Shared moral values, and a commitment to stick to them.  Yes, this may sound quaint, but a common moral framework makes it possible to show respect, loyalty & love.  Without it, trust cannot exist, and everything boils down to pretense, manipulation and insecurity.
• Frequent communication.  (I might be biased here since "Time" is the primary way I perceive love according to the "Five Love Langauges" book....but I've never seen a relationship thrive that didn't include time interacting.)

So - what do you think?  What would you add or remove from my list?

Do you ever feel like you have to give your friends the diet version of yourself?  I'm a naturally intense person - and 99.999999% of the time I'm perfectly content and happy to be that way.  I am constantly in thought, whether I'm reading, driving, eating, sitting outside, sitting inside, putting my shoes on or gassing up the car.  The main issue seems to be the subjects upon which I dwell:  history, culture, politics, theology, philosophy, music, programming, education....  It is impossible for me to see those subjects as unrelated.  I often find myself trying to explain the cause and effect nature of those subjects (and typically along the lines of something happening in the real world) and then I sense the "eyes glazing over" effect with the person listening.  I get so excited about a particular book/subject/article/conversation/whatnot that I find myself "reeling me back in" since there is some default internal response of "C'mon Jim, they don't want to hear the unabridged version".  I completely get the need to be concise; to not overwhelm someone in conversation - and have worked a ton throughout my life to better my skills in that area.  But I gotta admit, the people with whom you can truly let your hair down...the ones that not only don't mind, but actually want to hear the 'unabridged version' of whatever is on your mind....those people are like that first breath you take when you come up from being underwater for almost too long.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about technology – specifically social networking.  I’ve been a software developer for the last nine years and I’ve watched with amazement the dramatic changes in how the web is both produced and consumed during that time.  I quickly learned the importance of staying current (believe me, it’s a full time job).  I am a classic “geek” – I truly enjoy what I do.  However, I’ve noticed a growing trend in my life:  The longer I work in software, the more I attempt to insulate myself from certain effects of technology in general. 

The “All Style and No Substance” Effect

Out of all the blessings and curses of modern technology, this one worries me the most.  I think that so-called “Social Networking” is potentially causing much more harm than good.  Before you write me off as some “backwards naysayer” who just doesn’t get it – remember – I work in this industry!  Through some business connections a few months ago, I had some inside information on what was going wrong with Twitter as the user base grew exponentially.  Nearly every aspect of what I do is geared towards providing our customers the information they need via the web.  Before I lay out my concerns, understand that I think there are some great aspects to sites like Facebook, Vox, Twitter, etc.  My wife and I have met some wonderful people – many of whom have become friends (albeit, mostly long distance).  However, none of that shakes my conviction that the great casualties of our age are substantive conversation, accountability and robust intellect.

Dumbing-Down Conversation

One of the aspects of Twitter touted by friend and foe alike is “you’ve got to work hard to say a lot in 140 characters”.  Right - and those same people have their blogs auto-Tweet when they post new entries, since, after all, some things (try ‘most things of substance’) simply can’t be said in 140 characters.  Facebook status updates are not much different (and many, like me, have Facebook and Twitter linked).  Whether we “tweet”, leave a response on a blog or reply to forum threads, there’s a certain anonymity – even when we use our real name – that subconsciously buffers us from the consequences of harsh words or banal comments.  The more recent joke comes to mind “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Hitler or the Nazis approaches 1”.  Just watching the scathing political comments on Twitter is proof enough.  Even worse, some of those I follow have made sweeping generalizations about people whose heritage, faith or accent I share – all in a nicely packaged 140-characters-or-less insult.  It’s easy, I guess.  If you don’t like the heat, you don’t have to leave the kitchen, you just un-follow someone, or boot them from your friends, un-link them or otherwise block them.  In a world where we’re not talking directly to an in-the-flesh person, and where the usual means of consequences and accountability aren’t present, it’s easy to begin to treat people as usernames to be demeaned & discarded.  I was amazed to hear a comment one responder left saying “These conservatives scare me.  Can’t we just get rid of these Fascists?”  While that statement might be under 140 characters, I’d question who the Fascist is really. 

We are in danger of allowing all our conversational exchanges to boil down to the lowest common denominator.  Real ideas take time to develop and discuss.  While I’ve seen great uses of Twitter and Facebook along these lines, the vast majority of our technological options lend themselves to short, superficial and often rude ‘conversation’.  Seriously!  If you’ve made it this far in this blog entry alone, you are in the minority.  There’s so much downward pressure on the quality of relationship and exchange:  “no one reads long blog entries”, “keep your tweets pithy and intriguing”, “always leave comments on the blogs you read”, “how many followers do you have?”, etc.  Should we be so worried about how hip our status messages sound?  Can we really discuss anything of weight in less than 140 characters?  Is the content we’re trying to direct our Twitter followers to just an expanded cotton-candy version of the “nothingness” so often “tweeted” about, or is it constructive, personal, helpful and perhaps educational?  Too often it’s all style and no substance – a sad & empty flash in the pan of human experience.

Dumbing-Down Intellect & Losing Time

I love that Facebook has re-connected me with childhood friends.  But at some point or another I have to come to the realization that I can’t respond to everyone who super-pokes me, I can’t read everyone’s tweets, I can’t take the 25^th meme I’ve been tagged on – you name it.  It’s fun, sure.  But my close friends are the ones that I talk to – in person, on the phone and yes, even IM.  Two-hundred years ago Americans actually met and talked – in taverns, churches, schools, etc.  They argued about principles and ideas.  They watched each other’s backs.  They actually knew their neighbor’s names.  They could certainly be a raucous bunch, but there was a level of civility and integrity which I believe we have lost.  Today, instead, we allow the great potential of our minds and hearts to be wasted on an overload of TV, web and ever-present-marketing.  We have forgotten the joy of working to be entertained – like reading up on a subject that actually requires thought, learning a game or pursuing a hobby.  We – and I’m right there in the middle – have preferred, instead, to have even our entertainment spoon-fed to us, no thought or assembly required.  We think that a night of “vegging” is just what the doctor ordered, but at what cost and is that truly rest?

While the web has made it easy for anyone to publish “information”, the quality of that information is questionable, and the respect for the veracity of the author hinges on the whim of the reader, not fact-checking, peer-review or other means of accountability.  Many schools have banned (rightfully so) the use of Wikipedia as a source on essays, but Googling abounds.  I love Google, but is anyone contemplating the cumulative effect it will have on an entire generation currently developing the habit of not retaining information over the long term, much less knowing how to look it up if the internet connection is down?  Prior to MS Word, students were taught to outline their points before writing their paper.  This wasn’t just to help the writing process, but the thought process.  Today we are encouraged to just simply write and we can edit it later.  The initial thought process to refine your ideas happens less and less.  Intellect is like any other thing in life – without use, it breaks down.

My encouragement to you (and if you made it this far, thanks!) is to use the technological tools we have at our disposal to make it easier to do substantive things in life, rather than be sucked in by the appealing “brightness” of the brief flash in the pan.  Re-learn what it was to live life prior to the iPhone or CrackBerry temptation of being “always on, always available”.  Take a walk and think, reflect and enjoy your own company.  Then do the same with friends and family.  Go and introduce yourself to your neighbors.  Don’t feel the ridiculous pressure to keep up with every Facebook status change, Tweet, Linked-In update that crosses your computer screen.  Determine for yourself and your family that when the world finally gives up serious individual thought altogether for the sake of entertainment , that someone will be left in the world who is actually qualified to run it.